Some say laughter is the best medicine, so, on Sundays, we post some jokes to hopefully brighten your day. – Editorial Team
A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part
of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines,
the captain asked for questions.
Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen
to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air
and scatter oneself over a wide area."
During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe
for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a
supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a
train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find
a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train
looking for any place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was
room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking,
older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked.
The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude", she said,
"can't you see my dog is sitting there"?
He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat.
He found himself back at the same place.
"Lady I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold
your dog if I can sit down", he said.
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant".
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally
said,
"Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with
not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your
dog?"
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you
are also obnoxious."
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog,
threw it out the window, and sat down.
The lady was speechless.
An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat
spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the
lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot
of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your
fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out
of the window."
At the morning roll call at Fort Dix, the sergeant called out,
"Platoon, atten-HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your
brother died last night."
The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror. "Sergeant," he said
afterwards, "that's a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic
news. We must be more gentle and less abrupt in the future,"
The sergeant shrugged. "Yes sir. I'll try to remember that." He didn't
look very convinced.
Several days later, a call came in about another family death. As the
troops were assembling for roll call, the Chaplain stepped forward.
"Let me take this one, sergeant", he said. He turned toward the
sleepy-looking soldiers and said, "Platoon, atten-HUT !" They came to
attention. "Good morning, men!" he said. "Good morning, sir", they
replied. "Men, today is Mother's Day, and I hope all of you will be
calling home to send your moms a loving thought. In fact, all of you
who are fortunate enough to still have a mother who's alive and well,
take two steps forward. Private Jones; not so fast!"
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army
days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that
when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap,
click."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company
presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first.
"Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals."
British Military Officer Fitness Reports
The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used
for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are
actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around
at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then
he has aged considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to
port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure
There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-
endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force
doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to
remedy the situation. The first doctor said, "We'll just take a
big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that
would affect his sensitivity.
The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the
middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it would change
the texture and feel of it.
The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of
it." They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him
erection problems.
The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who
had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we
just make his legs longer?"
There's a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands,
a guy from the NAVY was driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands,
and an Air Force guy who's driving from McGwire in South Jerz to the
Meadowlands just to watch the Jets.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other
and all cars go flying off in different directions. The squid manages to climb
out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,
"Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the ARMY guy scrambles out
of his car and looks at his wreckage. The Air Force guy just shakes his head
and says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The NAVY guy walks over to the ARMY and Air Force guys and says, "Hey guys,
I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and
live as friends instead of arch rivals." The ARMY guy thinks for a moment and
says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends."
The Air Force guy says "Let me see what else survived this wreck." So he pops
open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the NAVY and Army guys, "I think this is another sign from God
that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The
Swabbie says, "You're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down
Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the bottle the Squid hands it
to the ARMY guy and says, "Your turn! The ARMY guy sucks down a third
and hands the bottle back to the Air Force guy.
The Air Force guy puts the cap back on the bottle and says, "I think I'll wait
for the cops to show up."
A sailor and a marine are taking a piss at a public restroom. The
marine finishes first and
washes his hands. The sailor just walks to the exit. So the marine
says to him: hey, in the
marines they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss. The
sailor says: yeah well, in
the navy they teach us to not piss on our hands.
A marine general, an army general and a navy admiral were
discussing who had the toughest men. The army general says, "Alright,
I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over
here!"
The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"
The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"
Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
The general says, "See? That man has balls!"
The marine general says, That's nothing. Private, get over here!"
The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?"
The marine general says, "See that man over there? Kill him and
then kill yourself."
Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows
away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.
The marine general says, "See? Now that man has balls!"
The admiral says, "That's nothing."
He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off
that tower!"
The seaman answers, "Excuse me, sir?"
The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"
The seaman replies, "Fuck you, sir!"
The admiral says, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains
too!"
Source: Jokes2Go