Some say laughter is the best medicine, so, on Sundays, we post some jokes to hopefully brighten your day. – Editorial Team
The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo of their
dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband
had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed
to the wife that it always took him way too long to return.
One time the wife had had enuff and actually pounded on the wall
between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned,
only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's
door and just kept ringing the bell.
When the model answered, the wife fumed,"I would like to know why it
is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here."
"Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't
helping none either."
A man comes home early from work and finds his wife and his best
friend in bed. The man throws up his hands in disbelief and says, "My
God Pete !!! I more-or-less 'have to', but YOU ???"
The newlyweds arrived at the front desk of the posh ocean-side resort
in Hilton Head, South Carolina, looking all fresh, and eager to enjoy
their two week vacation/honeymoon.
The stunning blonde at the front desk smiled and said, "Well, hi
Jimmy, how ya been lover ? Long time no see."
A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room. Once
inside, the piqued bride demanded: "And just who was THAT woman ?!?!?"
The groom wiped his brow and said, "Just relax honey. Please ! I'm
going to have enuff trouble explaining you to her."
The newlywed couple were checking into the hotel. The new groom
approached the desk clerk. He said he wanted the best for they were on
their honeymoon. The clerk asked the man if he wanted the bridal.
"No," he said, "I don't believe I'll need it. I'll just grab onto her
ears and hold on 'til she gets used to it."
A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every
day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round
and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is
a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact,
she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they
play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close
match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer
and she wins their little competition on the last hole.
He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift
when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly
enjoyable morning.
On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's
company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself
so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd
like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated
everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her
appreciation...
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests
they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and
slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they
have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and
playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at
the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her
appreciation.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day.
This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the
car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he
has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner
for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of
passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.
Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to
this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she
admits the reason.
"You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite."
He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to
a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.
"I'm sorry," she repeats.
"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating
bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"
Examination to Qualify for Entrance to
UNLV
(basketball players only)
Time Limit: 3 weeks
*
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
-OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
(d) Easterners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton.
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
-OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The UNLV tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.
(c) still waiting
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify
Weight Control
Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per
hour they consume.
Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around
(depending on your weight). . . .50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12
To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:
Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
Source: Jokes2Go