Living with Depression and Anxiety
This article was originally published on Political Playtime.com under my alter ego, Joe Belem, at a time I was not ready to go fully public.
There are many articles out there regarding depression and anxiety. Some written by physicians, some by people that have been through it and even pharmaceutical companies have posted articles and advice for obvious reasons. I want to make something clear right from the start. I am not a physician or a therapist or psychiatrist. I am not someone that HAD an experience with depression or anxiety. I am someone who LIVES with anxiety and depression. This article is being written not only in the hope of helping someone going through this, but also possibly helping family and friends get some understanding of what depression and anxiety is about and how people are affected, because the people around us are also affected. Another point I want to make is that this article will not be followed by a pharmaceutical drug ad either. This is one person’s experience, living and dealing with anxiety and depression.
The terrifying introduction to panic attacks: It was a Saturday in 1996, my beautiful little girl’s birthday party. There were balloons, cake, decorations, family and friends everywhere. It was a good day! Little did I know, for me, my life would change. As I walked around the house mingling, watching the kids play, it happened. My forehead began to sweat, my legs began to shake, I struggled to breathe and my chest began to tighten. I got dizzy and light headed and my vision was off. My first panic attack. My wife knew immediately something was wrong and she called 911. I truly believed that I would not survive this. I had never experienced anything close to this feeling before. I thought I was having a heart attack. The paramedics arrived quickly and began working on me. I remember thinking that I would never see my children, family or home again. I must admit, that I am tearing up as I am writing this as those thoughts were and are so overwhelming. On the way to the hospital, the paramedic told me to try and relax, that I was not having a heart attack. I arrived at the hospital, they immediately started treating me. The doctor told me I was having a panic attack. They gave me something that calmed me down and I laid on the gurney in the hall for hours and was then released. The doctor told my wife for us to follow up with a psychiatrist as I would possibly need medication.
Just the beginning: My wife researched and found a psychiatrist near us and set up my first appointment. I remember sitting with the doctor as he asked me questions and another panic attack began coming on. He prescribed two medications for me to take and straight to the pharmacy we went. I continued seeing my doctor who was very helpful. However, after a few visits, I found myself now taking four different medications. The medication helped, to a degree, it did however make me lethargic to the point I really could not function. I was and am a person that does not like taking synthetic drugs. However, I am NOT suggesting that anyone not take their medication. Always talk with your doctor about how your medications are affecting you and what possible side affects you may be experiencing. I eventually got down to just one pill that I would take only as needed. I worked towards this on my own. I told my doctor I would not live like this. I can’t drive, my head is off, I just want to lay around, it just wasn’t me. He stated he wished he had more patients that had the same mentality. I guess people have gotten to where they want that pill that fixes everything, it’s just not that simple however. There is always a price to pay.
Depression: You may be wondering where the depression comes in. Well, it was always there and I always knew it. The panic attacks and anxiety just amplified it and made it an issue that went from being there, to, will it end my life? That’s right, ‘end my life’. I will be revealing things in this article I have not even told my family. My little girls are now young women, intelligent, beautiful women who are old enough to know and understand. My concern also is that there may be a possibility of one or more of them going through what I went and still go through. It’s important that they can come to me, their DAD, who will listen and understand. The next words I will type, are words that took a while for me to admit to myself much less to others.
I SHOULDN’T BE HERE!: Why would I say that? Because there was a point where I reached a decision. After years now of feeling the way I did, I found myself saying to myself out loud “I don’t want to do this anymore”. To an outsider, I had a great life, beautiful healthy children, great wife, wonderful parents, brother, cousins,aunts and uncles and friends. None of that mattered. I was drained, wiped out. I decided I would end this. I remember how that felt. In one word. ‘relieved’. It felt like I had a problem that was slowly draining, in fact killing me, well, I would be better off solving the problem myself. The decision was calming, I guess I got back the sense of having control, instead of never knowing how I would feel tomorrow, next week, next year or even an hour from now.
She saved my Life: Throughout everything I went through over the years, there was one person that is responsible for me surviving this. my Mom. She had some kind of gift, an ability to sense things. She would call me out of the blue many times when I was struggling and always said things as if she knew. This ability she had to sense things wasn’t just related to me, I can’t to this day explain the many situations with others that she could just sense. It was amazing, but I will say, it was tough when your a teenager getting into mischief. It was a day I was home alone. My wife was at work, my kids were in school, I was alone. I spent some time thinking how I would put an end to this. I was calmly running ideas through my head with no emotion.
The Phone Rings: As I lay there planning, going through ideas, the phone rings. It’s my Mom, crying. She starts telling me how worried she was and said this to me “Don’t do this to me”. It’s those five words that changed everything! Something inside clicked. I couldn’t do this to her! I told her I was fine and not to worry and when I got off the phone I felt a rush of different emotions. I felt confused, I felt guilty, sad, angry with myself, also felt again, not in control. I did know one thing immediately. I couldn’t do this. The fact that I didn’t follow through is huge of course, but this, well, I lost my dear Mom less than a year ago, and thankfully, I didn’t put that hurt and heartache on her. It was that phone call and those few words that decided everything.
The affect on others: When you are going through depression and or anxiety, it’s not just you that is affected. I recently sat down with my ex-wife who was my wife when this all started and she lived this many years with me. I asked her to give me a word to describe what it was like living with someone going through depression and her answer was “Unpredictability”. As soon as she said that one word, it was like a punch in the gut. That one word described the constant feeling I had. What will tomorrow be like? Never knowing what to expect. Not exactly a great feeling for a spouse to live with. What if your a parent? Not having any desire to spend time with your children. Not wanting to spend time with friends and family. You deserve better, and so do they.
My suggestions: Now that you know some of what I have gone through, and believe me, if I was to get into the thousands of individual situations, this would be a book, not an article. As I mentioned, my hope is that this article will be helpful. If your wondering how I cope with bouts of depression today, I will be happy to tell you. I use various tools in my emotional tool box. My biggest one is ‘Music’. There is in fact a song that means a great deal to me which you may or may not know, you’ll know the artist but perhaps not the song. If you want, you can go to you tube and listen to it. If you do, listen carefully to the words. The song is ‘Looking for space’ by the late John Denver. Another helpful tool is “Comedy’. Never underestimate the power of laughter. Find things to do that ‘YOU’ enjoy. Stay active, join a club, a bowling team, meet people. Let go of the Stigma. Tell your family and friends what your going through, seek a good doctor. Think about this. When we hear of a celebrity committing suicide, it’s almost always followed up by family and friends that, they knew something was going on but had no idea things were so bad. Constantly we hear that. When someone has cancer, they tell people, or diabetes or most diseases. If your family and friends know, they can be supportive, perhaps get you to do things, drag you out of the house, go to the beach, a bike ride, whatever. I am not suggesting to do what I did, but in fact to do what I didn’t do. Talk about it, don’t be ashamed, your not weak, it’s one of the million things life can throw at you. I’ll say this. I told a buddy of mine I was going to write this article and his response was “Dude, why would you want anyone to know?” My answer was “Because of what you just said”. By sharing our experiences, there is a chance we can help someone else. I am not ashamed or embarrassed, I’m moving on, some difficult days sometimes, some great ones too! Learning to deal with those tough days is a process, you can do it! Make a goal to increase the number of great days! Wishing the best!
Joe Belem
Copyright. All rights reserved.