Some say laughter is the best medicine, so, on Sundays, we post some jokes to hopefully brighten your day. – Editorial Team
Today’s topic: School
Are You About to Employ a Robot?
This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB Psychology
Department. It is intended to be used by companies that are
recruiting on campus. With this test you can determine whether an
applicant you are interviewing is a Robot, a Vulcan/Math MAjor, or a
Liberal Arts major.
Tear off here, and administer test below to students
----------------------------------
Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.
1. If stranded on a deserted island, I would want _____
0) Shakespeare 1) Math books 2) Fluid oil
2. If I could have any job, I would be a _____
0) writer 1) professor 2) McDonald's employee
3. On weekends, I go to _____
0) The beach 1) The library 2) goto 10
4. My favorite hobby is _____
0) Poetry 1) Open math problems 2) memorizing
5. I have taken ______ English classes.
0) Many 1) Enough to communicate 2) fori=1to++x10goto10
6. What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2?
0) Ask a Vulcan 1) In my head 2) Brute force with
Cray 2 Supercomputer
7. What have you learned in school that you value the most?
0) Latin 1) How to operate my HP-28C 2) Complex Analysis
8. In between classes, I like to _____
0) Talk with my friends 1) Study proofs 2) Add numbers on
my calculator
9. When I have a report due, I type it on_____
0) My manual typewriter
1) The school's word processor
2) My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud
10. Since coming to the University, I have gained many _____
0) Friends 1) Books 2) Calculator manuals
11. The best use of a computer is _____
0) A door stop 1) Graphing functions 2) Friends
12. When I go to a restaurant, I usually get _____
0) A hamburger 1) A twinkie 2) Thrown out
13. What part of speech is "interface"?
0) A noun 1) A noun and a verb 2) Not enough data
14. What do you consider to be paradise?
0) Total happiness 1) Total knowledge 2) Two calculators
15. What type of music do you like?
0) Popular music 1) Classical music 2) Static noise
16. What is your favorite game?
0) Monopoly 1) Chess 2) Data entry races
17. My favorite Movie show is _____
0) Ruthless People 1) Star Trek II 2) Short Circuit
18. If I had to know an equation on a test, I would _____
0) Write it on my arm
1) Derive it during test
2) Memorize it with flash cards all day for weeks
19. The person I marry must have_____
0) Beauty 1) Intelligence 2) An RS232 serial port
20. What I fear the most is _____
0) Death 1) Emotions 2) Water
--------------------------------
Results: Simply add up the values of all your answers and look at
the following table.
00-14 Liberal Arts
15-20 Vulcan/Math Major
21-40 Robot!!!
Bonkistry
Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years
by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known
as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past
him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were
these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all
of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the
final they had a solid A.
These two friends were so confident going into the final that the
weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday),
they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there.
So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers
and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to
Duke until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final then,
what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to
him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa
for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that
they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and
couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to
campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up
the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.
So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that
Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of
them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first
problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was
worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They
did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared,
however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:
(95 points) Which tire?
The College Food Chain
THE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God
THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Talks with God
PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored
ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
Barely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occassionally addressed by God
ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals
INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays Russian Roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot
GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls
UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo-choo"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself
DEPARTMENT SECRETARY
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
She IS God.
Letter from Daughter to Parents
Dear Mother and Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss
in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having
written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,
please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS
YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it
caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get
those sick headaches once a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant
at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire
department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since
I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough
to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room,
but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in
love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but
it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward
to being grrandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the
love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason
for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection
which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly
caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections
I am taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and
although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different
race and religion than ours, I know your oft expressed tolerance will not
permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker
than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is
good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the
village in Africa from which he came.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was
no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was
not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have
syphillis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am getting
a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks
in the proper perspective.
Yours-
Your Loving Daughter
College
by Dave Barry
Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about
going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you
young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust
me: these are closely related to college.)
College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly
two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand
hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time
sleeping and trying to get dates.
Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
* Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These
include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and
crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.
* Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).
These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology,
- - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these
things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them.
If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay
in college for the rest of your life.
It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was
in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of
three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to
forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were
named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember
something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed
in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in
my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of
brain cells.
After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to
choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and
forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of
advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts
and Right Answers.
This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology,
or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for
example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class
one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of
the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result
to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly*
the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of
chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen
combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to
come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have
agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.
So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy,
psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really
understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve
virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these
subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each:
ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have
read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to
get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a
book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example,
suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense
would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters
in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand
times. So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby-Dick is actually the
Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of
reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are
enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic
interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.
PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and
deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch.
You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.
PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams.
Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an
entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain
sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat
learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor.
If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats,
you should major in psychology.
SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and
away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of
sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never
once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because
sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of
their time translating simple, obvious observations into
scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll
have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have
observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write:
"Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies
of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists
between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior
forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will
get a large government grant.
Source: Jokes2Go