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Sunday’s Jokes 2021-09-19

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Some say laughter is the best medicine, so, on Sundays, we post some jokes to hopefully brighten your day. – Editorial Team

 

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. 
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution." 

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. 
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. 
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"


A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and 
passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a 
little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the 
crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I 
wish you could talk." 
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and 
down. 

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. 

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it 
up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his 
mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"What else?"

The monkey motioned "Screwing."
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes." 
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking 
and screwing before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.


A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came 
across acouple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, "The dog on top 
has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to 
the doctor."They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" 
said the little one.
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and 
they fuck you everytime!"


German Shepard on Golf Course
   
A golf pro was helping this attractive young woman with her 
swing when his zipper got caught in the rhinestones on the 
back of her skirt. Needless to say this was embarrassing to 
both of them since their relationship had been purely platonic.
They decided to walk together in this lock-step back to the 
clubhouse where certainly a pair of needle-nosed pliers would 
fix the problem. Just as they turned the corner to the 
clubhouse, a German Shepherd ranup and threw a bucket of 
water on them.


Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and 
a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban 
neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and 
worked their way to the other end. 

At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window 
watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his 
younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the 
truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady 
from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. 
They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men 
running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"



A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for 
the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the 
job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. 
Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he 
is interviewed by an assessor.

Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish 
to claim compensation. 
Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick. 
Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to 
protect you from radiation poisoning? 
Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job. 
Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive? 
Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined. 
Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept? 
Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead. 
Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead 
suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is 
kept in a lead container. 
Trucker: Yeah, that’s right. All lead. 
Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him 
for radiation poisoning. 
Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.


Job Applicant:  "I'm looking for a job as a consultant."
Employer:  "I'm sorry, we already have enough cosultants."
Applicant:   "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an 
advisor."
Employer:  "More than we can use already."
Applicant:  As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I 
can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk,  If you have too many, 
I'll start as a janitor."
Employer:  "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings 
for a person with your qualifications."
Applicant:  As he stands up and angrily yells, "work for 
you I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing 
jerk!"
Employer:  "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a 
seat, we may have an opening."



Source: Jokes2Go
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