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Sunday’s Jokes 2021-09-12

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Some say laughter is the best medicine, so, on Sundays, we post some jokes to hopefully brighten your day. – Editorial Team

 

Q. What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating?

A. Finding half a worm.


A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall 
that says, "$500 if we fail to fill your order." 
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly 
writes down his order and walks into the kitchen. Almost immediately he 
hears an explosion of voices. 
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen and up to the 
customer's table. He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the man. 
"You got me this time, buddy," he says, "but I want you to know this -- 
that's the first time in 10 years we've been out of rye bread." 


A manager of a restaurant had called its owner to ask
about whether or not she should hire a new waitress.
"She can speak twelve different languages, which will
be good for foreign visitors," said the manager.
"All right, so hire her," the owner replied."But, sir..."
"I knew there would be a but. What's wrong with her?"
"Sir, English isn't one of the twelve languages."



Certificate of Upgrade to
                                      
                              Complete Asshole
     
   





                    Certificate of Upgrade


                              to


                       Complete Asshole



                        is awarded to




-------------------------------------------------------------



In Recognition of Your Obnoxious Attitude, Ability to Piss

People Off, Complete Asinine Juvenile Behavior and Total

Dedication to Personal Gain Without Regard to the Many

Hardships You Have Forced Upon Friends, Family, and Others

During Your Lifetime, You Have Become a Legend In YOUR Own

Mind.


To Recognize Your Upgrade From Half-Assed to Complete Asshole

Gives All Concerned Great Satisfaction.  If Anyone, For Any

Reason, Doubts Your Status,



                      JUST BE YOURSELF!




Effective Date _________________  Signed _____________________
  

Why Jim Smith Lost His First Love


Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and
after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department
store and bought a pair of white gloves.  The sister purchased a pair
of panties for herself.  During the wrapping, the items got mixed up.
(The sweetheart got the panties.)  Without checking the contents, Jim
sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note.

Dearest Darling,

This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas.
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening.  If it had not been for your younger
sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears
the short ones that are easy to remove.  These are a delicate shade, but
the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three
weeks and they were hardly soiled.  I had the sales girl try them on and
she really looked smart.  I wish I could put them on you the first time.
No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have
the chance to see you again.  When you take them off blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink.  I hope
you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night.
                
                                           All My Love,
                                           Jimmy

P.S.  Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
      Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the
      latest style - folded down with the fur showing.



Playgirl Rejection Letter



November 30, 1995


PLAYGIRL, INC.


Dear Mrs. Smith,

        We wish to thank you for your letter and the polaroid picture
of your husband.  We agree that his appearance in our March issue as
the Playgirl's "Man of the Month" centerfold would have been a truly 
fitting way for you to honor your 75th anniversary of wedded bliss,
and as a life-time memento on his birthday.

        We submitted the picture to our various panels of judges, as
it is our routine procedure, with the following results:

        When rated by our panel of average American women (ages 25 to
40) on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being the highest), his body was rated
a -2.

        To further justify our ratings, we submitted your photograph
to another panel of women in the age bracket of 45 to 100.  We couldn't
get them to stop laughing long enough to take the time to rate him.

        The old American women panel, aged 70 to 100, widowed for over 
twenty years, said "We'll retain our widowed status!"

        The Organization of Nude Portrait Painters (thinking perhaps
they could touch up the picture), said "We can't perform miracles!"

        We therefore regret that we will not be able to satisfy your 
request for John on his 75th wedding anniversary.  We do, however, 
invite you to submit other pictures for Playgirl's centerfold.  Please
be advised that the minimum requirement is that the staple used to 
hold the centerfold in place in the magazine cannot completely 
obliterate what we refer to as "the item of interest" as it would in 
John's case.

Yours truly,

Jane Brown
Playgirl, Inc.



Source: Jokes2Go


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