Some say laughter is the best medicine, so, on Sundays, we post some jokes to hopefully brighten your day. – Editorial Team
Q. What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating? A. Finding half a worm.
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall that says, "$500 if we fail to fill your order." When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen. Almost immediately he hears an explosion of voices. The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen and up to the customer's table. He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the man. "You got me this time, buddy," he says, "but I want you to know this -- that's the first time in 10 years we've been out of rye bread."
A manager of a restaurant had called its owner to ask about whether or not she should hire a new waitress. "She can speak twelve different languages, which will be good for foreign visitors," said the manager. "All right, so hire her," the owner replied."But, sir..." "I knew there would be a but. What's wrong with her?" "Sir, English isn't one of the twelve languages."
Certificate of Upgrade to Complete Asshole Certificate of Upgrade to Complete Asshole is awarded to ------------------------------------------------------------- In Recognition of Your Obnoxious Attitude, Ability to Piss People Off, Complete Asinine Juvenile Behavior and Total Dedication to Personal Gain Without Regard to the Many Hardships You Have Forced Upon Friends, Family, and Others During Your Lifetime, You Have Become a Legend In YOUR Own Mind. To Recognize Your Upgrade From Half-Assed to Complete Asshole Gives All Concerned Great Satisfaction. If Anyone, For Any Reason, Doubts Your Status, JUST BE YOURSELF! Effective Date _________________ Signed _____________________
Why Jim Smith Lost His First Love Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. (The sweetheart got the panties.) Without checking the contents, Jim sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note. Dearest Darling, This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you the first time. No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have the chance to see you again. When you take them off blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night. All My Love, Jimmy P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the latest style - folded down with the fur showing.
Playgirl Rejection Letter November 30, 1995 PLAYGIRL, INC. Dear Mrs. Smith, We wish to thank you for your letter and the polaroid picture of your husband. We agree that his appearance in our March issue as the Playgirl's "Man of the Month" centerfold would have been a truly fitting way for you to honor your 75th anniversary of wedded bliss, and as a life-time memento on his birthday. We submitted the picture to our various panels of judges, as it is our routine procedure, with the following results: When rated by our panel of average American women (ages 25 to 40) on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being the highest), his body was rated a -2. To further justify our ratings, we submitted your photograph to another panel of women in the age bracket of 45 to 100. We couldn't get them to stop laughing long enough to take the time to rate him. The old American women panel, aged 70 to 100, widowed for over twenty years, said "We'll retain our widowed status!" The Organization of Nude Portrait Painters (thinking perhaps they could touch up the picture), said "We can't perform miracles!" We therefore regret that we will not be able to satisfy your request for John on his 75th wedding anniversary. We do, however, invite you to submit other pictures for Playgirl's centerfold. Please be advised that the minimum requirement is that the staple used to hold the centerfold in place in the magazine cannot completely obliterate what we refer to as "the item of interest" as it would in John's case. Yours truly, Jane Brown Playgirl, Inc.