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Sunday’s Jokes 2021-08-29

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Some say laughter is the best medicine, so, on Sundays, we post some jokes to hopefully brighten your day. Please note some jokes may be geared to adults only. – Editorial Team

 

A horse and a rabbit 

A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse 
falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the 
rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to 
safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't 
be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the
mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then 
throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse,
and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the 
meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The 
rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the 
farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he 
stretchedover the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 
dick and pull yourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled 
himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you 
don't need a Mercedes!


A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped 
around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly 
sits there until it's his turn to be waited on.

A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished 
his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned 
over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today.

The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the 
ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" 
The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of 
two pounds ground beef. He then said, "Anything else?" 
The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher
said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the 
butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher 
could get at the purse and take out the appropriate amount 
of money before tying the two packages of meat around the 
dog's neck.

The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to 
follow the dog. The dog walked for several blocks and 
then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the 
door to be let in.

As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, 
"That's areally smart dog you have there."

"He's not really all that smart," the owner replied.

"This is the second time this week he forgot his key."


Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. 
One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great 
Dane. The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are 
you here?" The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't 
see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. 
My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to 
be put to sleep." The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you 
here?" The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. 
I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the 
time, I've been snapping at people and Ieven bit one of the 
neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. 
My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought
me here to be put to sleep." The poodle and schnauzer ask 
the great Dane why he is here. The great Dane responds: 
"My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she 
was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent 
down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over 
and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know 
I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help 
myself. "The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put 
to sleep?" "Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."



A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He 
stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely 
drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so 
he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way 
up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear 
end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty 
pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken 
glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he 
didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, 
he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure 
enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired 
the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to
bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, 
and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good 
story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you 
go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered 
last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this 
morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."


Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched 
backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One 
thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "he knows 
when to stop."



Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving 
very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled 
the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that 
evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads 
stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then 
there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these 
mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' 
those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I 
had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye 
know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for 
later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he 
located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for 
inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you 
to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"


Source: Jokes2Go


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