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Sunday’s Jokes 2021-08-22

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Some say laughter is the best medicine, so, on Sundays, we post some jokes to hopefully brighten your day. – Editorial Team

 

Safest Way to Drive
     
   
Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving
habits, offers the following advice:

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly
proportional to time spent on the road.  Driving fast decreases one's
exposure.

One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds
are caused by non-drunk drivers.

Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.


Love Jesus

                                  by Dennis DiPasquale



                       The other day I went to the local religious book store,
                where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it
                 and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I
                did. What an uplifting experience followed.  I was stopped at the
                  light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the
                 Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper
                  sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus.
                Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY
                 love the lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and
                   yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a
                    football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!!!"
                Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and
                 waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have
                   been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him
                 yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a
                   funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

                     I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed,
                    looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the
                Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him
                 the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice black
                man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear
                    him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or
                 "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must
                really love the lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in
                 the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were
                  walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I
                noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a
                good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the
                intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way
                 out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian
                    good luck sign, as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such
                                        wonderful folks.


A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along
   and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived
   at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage
   to his precious BMW.
   "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
   "You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted
   the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you
   didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
   "Oh my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody
   left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"


Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over 
by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window 
with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the 
trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, 
you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. 

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the 
passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls 
his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the 
nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're 
gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that shit with me!'"


On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to 
change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all 
showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband 
says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is 
astonished.  "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are 
so beautiful, let me take your picture."
  
Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"
  
He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to 
my heart forever".
  
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into 
the bathroom to shower.
  
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do 
you wear a robe?  We are married now." at that the man opens 
his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a 
picture".
  
He beams and asks, "why?"
  
She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!


A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is 
foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a 
close shave around the cheeks. 

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small 
wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between 
your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber 
proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. 

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow 
like everyone else does." 

 

 

Source: Jokes2Go

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